This whole Christianity thing is hard sometimes. Not the saying I'm a Christian bit, that's pretty easy. It's the actually acting like Christ that's hard. Most of the time, I'm not that much like him.
For example, the last few weeks I've had a temper set on a hair trigger. Random, stupid, little things set me off, and then I need to spend the next several minutes trying not to talk. Talking while I'm angry invariably gets me in trouble. Building relationships takes me a long time, and I feel like I've spent the last few weeks thoroughly bulldozing them.
See what I mean? Not very Christ-like.
Being angry was really sort of a state of being for me up until I graduated college. At the time, my friends found it funny, so I didn't think much of it. But then I graduated, moved out here, and somehow calmed down a bit. My not being angry was really one of the things I was most proud of. That sounds stupid, but it's true. It was a big deal to me. I thought of it (and still think of it) as a spiritual gift. Sure, it's not quite as cool as prophesy or healing or death-ray vision, but it was mine. It was something I got from God.
And now it's gone... at least it feels like it's gone. I have a group of friends from church who meet at my house every week, and I'm pretty sure that right now any one of them would tell you it's gone. They would probably go on to tell you that I've been a (expletive deleted).
I talked to my roommate about it because he's the kind of guy you can talk to about anything. He would argue against this, but my roommate is one of the coolest people I know. He's who he is, and doesn't pretend to be anything else. That's rare.
Anyway, my roommate's theory is that it's a sort of spiritual attack. And, seeing as I just posted not too long ago about how we're at war with Satan and his band of previously angelic malcontents, I can't really argue that spiritual attacks are a bunch of hooey. I will say that I don't think my problem is entirely caused by the Dark One's minions. In fact, I think it's God's fault.
I took God for granted. You see, I got so used to His peace in my life, so used to having the outsider's prospective that peace offers, that I got to thinking that I was this great guy and that I always had this really cool ability to see through all the emotions in a situation to the heart of things. So the gift was yanked. And now I'm the broken, incomplete me I was before God stepped in and filled the gaps. Not so great after all. Not by a long shot.
I think God took away my peace to remind me that He was the source. That it wasn't me at all, but Him in me that made me into the person I actually kinda liked. I need reminders like that on occasion.
I miss my peace, and I'm sickened by my anger. I wish I could say that as I wrote this the world righted itself, I calmed down, and God granted me death-ray vision (always wish big, people), but that's not the truth. One of the annoying things about God is that He gives you what you need, not what you want.
Like I said earlier, this whole being a Christian thing is hard.
For example, the last few weeks I've had a temper set on a hair trigger. Random, stupid, little things set me off, and then I need to spend the next several minutes trying not to talk. Talking while I'm angry invariably gets me in trouble. Building relationships takes me a long time, and I feel like I've spent the last few weeks thoroughly bulldozing them.
See what I mean? Not very Christ-like.
Being angry was really sort of a state of being for me up until I graduated college. At the time, my friends found it funny, so I didn't think much of it. But then I graduated, moved out here, and somehow calmed down a bit. My not being angry was really one of the things I was most proud of. That sounds stupid, but it's true. It was a big deal to me. I thought of it (and still think of it) as a spiritual gift. Sure, it's not quite as cool as prophesy or healing or death-ray vision, but it was mine. It was something I got from God.
And now it's gone... at least it feels like it's gone. I have a group of friends from church who meet at my house every week, and I'm pretty sure that right now any one of them would tell you it's gone. They would probably go on to tell you that I've been a (expletive deleted).
I talked to my roommate about it because he's the kind of guy you can talk to about anything. He would argue against this, but my roommate is one of the coolest people I know. He's who he is, and doesn't pretend to be anything else. That's rare.
Anyway, my roommate's theory is that it's a sort of spiritual attack. And, seeing as I just posted not too long ago about how we're at war with Satan and his band of previously angelic malcontents, I can't really argue that spiritual attacks are a bunch of hooey. I will say that I don't think my problem is entirely caused by the Dark One's minions. In fact, I think it's God's fault.
I took God for granted. You see, I got so used to His peace in my life, so used to having the outsider's prospective that peace offers, that I got to thinking that I was this great guy and that I always had this really cool ability to see through all the emotions in a situation to the heart of things. So the gift was yanked. And now I'm the broken, incomplete me I was before God stepped in and filled the gaps. Not so great after all. Not by a long shot.
I think God took away my peace to remind me that He was the source. That it wasn't me at all, but Him in me that made me into the person I actually kinda liked. I need reminders like that on occasion.
I miss my peace, and I'm sickened by my anger. I wish I could say that as I wrote this the world righted itself, I calmed down, and God granted me death-ray vision (always wish big, people), but that's not the truth. One of the annoying things about God is that He gives you what you need, not what you want.
Like I said earlier, this whole being a Christian thing is hard.
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~D.