I'm not in the mood for exposition, so I'll just get back to what I was talking about.
Which was...
Lesson 4: The Plot
Since I didn’t tell you in Lesson 3, a plot driven novel is a novel that is… drum roll please… driven by the plot. If you didn’t get that, you can stop reading now. I guarantee that whatever you write will be wholly unintelligible without my help. For the rest of you, we need to establish a series of events that will be less and less interesting the more they unfold. The easiest way to do this is to simply not have a plot at all. Just make random things happened to random people, slap a cover on it, and call it a book. This, people, is cheating. The goal is to create an unreadable novel, and if you don’t have a plot, you don’t have a novel. Frankly, I’m a little ashamed of you for having given that suggestion.
You’ll hear people use terms like "plot line" and then tag on such nonsense as "exposition" and "climax" and "resolution." What all that mumbo-jumbo adds up to is that a good novel has a beginning, middle, and end. Sound obvious? Read a bad novel. You’ll find that the end really should have been more toward the middle and that the beginning was really a mid-point and that the real beginning is no-where to be seen. Emulate this. Have all the major plot points, but do your best to keep the reader guessing as to which is really which. Remember, a steady increase of dramatic tension will keep the readers attention. Break it up. Stall if necessary. Introduce wholly unnecessary characters or make existing characters do wholly unnecessary things. For example, in “Atlas Shrugged” - an epic tome by Ayn Rand - one of the main characters gives a radio address that is one hundred pages long and adds absolutely nothing to the overall plot. This is the kind of literary genius you’ll want to emulate. Of course, Ayn Rand wasn’t perfect because her book got published. But the idea was brilliant, if poorly executed.
Lesson 5: The Conclusion.
Leave the reader unsatisfied. Was your main character likable (if so, you’ve failed Lesson 2)? Then leave that character worse off than you found him/her. Did you have a villain? Let him/her/it win. This seems avant-garde, but is really just another way of kicking dirt in the eyes of your readers. Punish them for finishing your book. It’s what they deserve.
I can't stress this enough. A truly fantastic ending can salvage a whole novel in the minds of many a reader. This is where all your hard work can shine like so many polished hubcaps or explode like an overfilled sausage. I believe we all know how horrific an exploded sausage can be.
And there you have it. Using this advice, you’re mere years and hundreds of hours of work away from a truly unreadable masterpiece.
Which was...
Lesson 4: The Plot
Since I didn’t tell you in Lesson 3, a plot driven novel is a novel that is… drum roll please… driven by the plot. If you didn’t get that, you can stop reading now. I guarantee that whatever you write will be wholly unintelligible without my help. For the rest of you, we need to establish a series of events that will be less and less interesting the more they unfold. The easiest way to do this is to simply not have a plot at all. Just make random things happened to random people, slap a cover on it, and call it a book. This, people, is cheating. The goal is to create an unreadable novel, and if you don’t have a plot, you don’t have a novel. Frankly, I’m a little ashamed of you for having given that suggestion.
You’ll hear people use terms like "plot line" and then tag on such nonsense as "exposition" and "climax" and "resolution." What all that mumbo-jumbo adds up to is that a good novel has a beginning, middle, and end. Sound obvious? Read a bad novel. You’ll find that the end really should have been more toward the middle and that the beginning was really a mid-point and that the real beginning is no-where to be seen. Emulate this. Have all the major plot points, but do your best to keep the reader guessing as to which is really which. Remember, a steady increase of dramatic tension will keep the readers attention. Break it up. Stall if necessary. Introduce wholly unnecessary characters or make existing characters do wholly unnecessary things. For example, in “Atlas Shrugged” - an epic tome by Ayn Rand - one of the main characters gives a radio address that is one hundred pages long and adds absolutely nothing to the overall plot. This is the kind of literary genius you’ll want to emulate. Of course, Ayn Rand wasn’t perfect because her book got published. But the idea was brilliant, if poorly executed.
Lesson 5: The Conclusion.
Leave the reader unsatisfied. Was your main character likable (if so, you’ve failed Lesson 2)? Then leave that character worse off than you found him/her. Did you have a villain? Let him/her/it win. This seems avant-garde, but is really just another way of kicking dirt in the eyes of your readers. Punish them for finishing your book. It’s what they deserve.
I can't stress this enough. A truly fantastic ending can salvage a whole novel in the minds of many a reader. This is where all your hard work can shine like so many polished hubcaps or explode like an overfilled sausage. I believe we all know how horrific an exploded sausage can be.
And there you have it. Using this advice, you’re mere years and hundreds of hours of work away from a truly unreadable masterpiece.
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