I bet you feel normal by comparison

I have a problem. Part of me thinks I’m invincible. That’s a weird problem, I’ll grant you that, but it’s there nonetheless. For example, I can be staring down the barrel of a large jump in a board park (snow boarding, people, snow boarding), and most of me will be completely convinced that I’ll die if I try it. I might not even die landing. I might explode on take-off. There I’d be - board just clearing the lip of the jump, face a mask of abject terror - and then I’d explode in a great ball of fire. That, too, is weird, but it’s really more of an abstract exaggeration of a very rational fear.

The bit that concerns me is the other part that seems to think that everything will be fine, even if I exploded. It’s the part of me that lets me look up at a hundred foot vertical cliff and say to myself, “Gee, self, that’d sure be fun to climb.” I call that part of me the “insane part.” It’s the part that convinced me to get a motorcycle, take up rock climbing, and attempt flight on a snowboard. In other words, it’s the part of me that makes it difficult for my mom to sleep at night. (As a side note, I’m of the firm belief that being a grown man living on your own and making your own way in the world has absolutely no impact on the tendency of your mother to lose sleep when you do something incredibly stupid.)

What I don’t get about it is that my insane thinks-I’m-invincible-even-though-I’m-not part doesn’t really extend to other people. Quite the opposite in fact. For example, I was supposed to get a phone call this afternoon from a friend so we could go have coffee. When that call didn’t come, did I rationally assume that my friend forgot, that maybe her phone battery died, or perhaps she simply left the phone at home? No. I assumed she:

a) died a horrible death in a freak pudding related accident
b) was killed by a Canadian pro-hockey, anti-track and field terrorist group
c) imploded
d) was abducted by aliens and replaced by an android replica named Chuck

Frankly, none of the options are terribly rational, so I believe them all equally. I think that belief is tied to that same insane bit I mentioned earlier. Whatever lie my brain manages to tell itself about my own immortality, it seems equally certain that everyone around me is horribly, feebly mortal. When I was a kid, if my parents were a few minutes late getting back from the store, I’d assume they died in a robbery attempt and start planning life as an orphan… all the while planning how best to attempt a jump from the roof with a sheet for a parachute.

This makes me weird. I’m sure of it.

All this is to say that I think I may have to find out if the android replica of my friend likes coffee. And I kinda want to ride my motorcycle at imprudent speeds.

I bet you feel normal by comparison.