I’ve been riding a motorcycle for almost a year now, and while that doesn’t make me an expert by any stretch of the imagination, it has taught me many things both about riding and people in general. Since I’m bored at work right now, I thought I’d take the time to share some of those things.
1. The motorcycle will do pretty much anything it thinks you want it to. For example, if you’re sitting at a stop with the bike fully upright, it’ll stay upright knowing that you want it to do so. If you’re sitting at a stop and lean the bike slightly to the side, it’ll do it’s best to take on the fully horizontal position that it knows you want. Which brings me to lesson number two.
2. The motorcycle does not always know what you actually want it to do.
3. Picking your bike up from the ground is embarrassing not only for you but for your bike because it is, in essence, you telling your bike that it was wrong. Because your motorcycle is an emotionally sensitive machine, it will respond by being sullen.
4. Sullen motorcycles do not start when you want them to, especially when you’re sitting in traffic with cars piling up behind you. If there is an attractive woman within a mile radius, a sullen motorcycle will not start at all. Not even if you talk nicely to it and compliment it on its chrome.
5. Waterproofed chaps only protect the parts of you they cover from water.
6. Chaps do not cover your crotch-ular region.
7. A light drizzle will cause enough traffic to take a five minute commute and turn it into a twenty minute commute. This is true even if you live in an area that gets rain 360 days a year (not counting leap years).
8. A light drizzle will always turn into heavy rain if you’re on a motorcycle sitting in traffic.
9. Wet cotton is cold. Wet cotton is colder when subjected to 40 mph winds.
10. Taking lessons 5 thru 9 in combination, it can safely be said that if you leave work in a light drizzle wearing chaps but not rain pants, you will arrive at home with the crotch-ular region of your anatomy far more sodden and cold then you had previously thought physically possible. But your thighs will be dry. You can always take comfort in that.
1. The motorcycle will do pretty much anything it thinks you want it to. For example, if you’re sitting at a stop with the bike fully upright, it’ll stay upright knowing that you want it to do so. If you’re sitting at a stop and lean the bike slightly to the side, it’ll do it’s best to take on the fully horizontal position that it knows you want. Which brings me to lesson number two.
2. The motorcycle does not always know what you actually want it to do.
3. Picking your bike up from the ground is embarrassing not only for you but for your bike because it is, in essence, you telling your bike that it was wrong. Because your motorcycle is an emotionally sensitive machine, it will respond by being sullen.
4. Sullen motorcycles do not start when you want them to, especially when you’re sitting in traffic with cars piling up behind you. If there is an attractive woman within a mile radius, a sullen motorcycle will not start at all. Not even if you talk nicely to it and compliment it on its chrome.
5. Waterproofed chaps only protect the parts of you they cover from water.
6. Chaps do not cover your crotch-ular region.
7. A light drizzle will cause enough traffic to take a five minute commute and turn it into a twenty minute commute. This is true even if you live in an area that gets rain 360 days a year (not counting leap years).
8. A light drizzle will always turn into heavy rain if you’re on a motorcycle sitting in traffic.
9. Wet cotton is cold. Wet cotton is colder when subjected to 40 mph winds.
10. Taking lessons 5 thru 9 in combination, it can safely be said that if you leave work in a light drizzle wearing chaps but not rain pants, you will arrive at home with the crotch-ular region of your anatomy far more sodden and cold then you had previously thought physically possible. But your thighs will be dry. You can always take comfort in that.
Comments
there's nothing like it
and still we love it!
Did make me laugh, particularly the stuff about bikes misinterpreting signals and then getting sullen...
Seriously...hilarious post! As always, thanks for cracking me up with your comments! I loved your engineer's take on that machine. :D Makes perfect sense.
It's my humble opinion that everyone should know about motorcycles. How they do or do not affect one's nads is a different matter.
Alastair,
It's funny how horribly uncomfortable biking can be at times, and how I always end up wanting to ride again.
And thanks for the gratuitous use of the word "nads." That word doesn't get enough air time.
I feel like I'm signing high school yearbooks again.