Guaranteed to make you more attractive, smell better, and live longer

This post will not make you rich. It will not make you better in bed. It will not get you out of traffic, allow you to levitate, or give you pectorals large enough to open a beer bottle. In fact, this particular post is not even guaranteed to be entertaining. That’s right, I make no promises of jocularity or originality (although, I have to admit that just using the word “jocularity” is funny to me on a very adolescent level).

Now, after saying all that, I have a question. Why are you still reading this? I think it’s pretty clear that I’m not about to make your life any better in the long run. As discerning humans in a world full of places offering to make your life easier, why would you spend time reading this?

Since I don’t know the answer to that, I’ll ask another question.

Why do you go to church?

Is it to get rich? I keep reading about pastors advertising how to receive God’s blessings. And that’s all well and good. But if you read closer, what they’re normally selling is more of a financial scheme. Here’s the theory:

1. Give God $$$ ($$$ can be replaced with time, prayer, or just about anything else).
2. Something mystical happens.
3. You get truckloads of cash.

You can replace “get truckloads of cash” with “becoming instantly happy,” “have all your troubles removed,” or “get pectorals large enough to open beer bottles to impress girls at parties.”*

In a perfect world, I wouldn’t have to say this. But the world isn’t perfect. Those of us with pecs too small to open beer bottles know that. So, in light of the world’s imperfection, allow me to dispel a rumor:

God is not a cash machine.

That’s right, the Creator of Heaven and Earth, the King of all kings, the Lord of all lords, the Beginning and the End, the Almighty God… is not here to provide you with quick profit.

Because there are seminary trained pastors running around disagreeing with me, I can’t blame you if you’re inclined to doubt me. As a general rule, I’m more apt to point you toward the Biblical counsel of a trained pastor than my layman’s opinion. If fact, I’m going to tell you flat out that you shouldn’t just listen to my opinion. You should check for yourself. Pick that Bible of yours off the shelf and read through the New Testament. Look at how easy God made the life of Jesus. Read in awe the carefree, luxurious life that was provided to the apostles of Christ. Read Acts and marvel over the wondrous riches that await you.

Man oh man does the New Testament make Christianity sound like a whiz-bang way to get the fun-filled, easy going, carefree life that you really want.

[Note from the management: For those of you that haven’t read the New Testament, the preceding paragraph was sarcastic. The paragraph that follows is not sarcastic.]

The fact is, Christ offers humanity peace and joy in the face of persecution, not a lack of persecution. He offers strength in your trials, not a lack of trials. He offers forgiveness of sins, not a license to continue living in your sinful lifestyle. A life in Christ is a real life lived well, not a fantasy life of endless ease.

The god that offers quick cash is a lesser god. He pretends to be the Almighty, but he’s really just an illusion, a smoke-and-mirrors trick designed to part you from your money as you speed to hell. Children of this lesser god, listen closely. God, the real God, will not be used as a cheap trick to get you money. He will not assist you while you worship money. God, the real God, loves you more than that.

Back to the original question:

Why do you go to church?

If it’s to get rich, I humbly suggest that you’re in the wrong place.


*Author’s note: I in no way endorse the use of pectorals to open beer bottles. I’m fairly certain that said act of primal manliness would repulse, rather than attract, a woman at a party. Not that I’ve tried.