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| "Buttery" means "oils tortured into butter-like form" |
My son has a dairy allergy. Eating dairy makes him throw up
and feel generally awful. Substitute dairy products range from acceptable to
horrendous. But even the best substitutes aren’t as good as the dairy
equivalent. As a result, some common household foods are kept in duplicates at
my house: dairy and non-dairy. The conversation below concerns butter and oils-fashioned-to-look-and-taste-like-butter.
We call the latter “special butter” for simplicity.
Matthew (pointing at his special butter): Does this come
from cows?
Me: No.
Matthew: Oh. Does dairy butter come from cows?
Me: Yes. Dairy butter comes from cows. Special butter does
not.
Matthew: Oh. Does special butter come from lions?
Me:…Uh… no. Special butter does not come from lions.
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| Pictured: Butter factory |
This conversation got me thinking, what kind of person would
risk death to milk a wild lioness with cubs in order to turn that milk into
butter? This iron-willed person would look at a cow and say, “Nope. Teeth aren’t
long enough. No claws. Not dangerous enough.” Then look at a pride of lions and
say, “Yup. Gonna milk that one over there. The big one. Because my toast needs
to be buttered… by adventure.”
Lion butter: Because cows can’t kill and eat you, so there’s
no point in milking them.
Lion butter: It’s to die for.
An aside on dairy-free living:
The Nucoa buttery sticks pictured above are what we give our son in place of butter. They are remarkably okay. You can cook with them. You can spread them on toast. They like a celebrity look-alike. Close enough provided you're not looking too hard. That does not sound like an endorsement, but it's as close to one as I'm going to give. They're better than the zero other completely dairy-free butters I can buy locally. In a race of one, you're always the winner. And the loser too. But let's not dwell on that.
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