Author’s aside: The last few months have been full of
awful things I won’t list here because it would make me sad. The following post
is intended to be a brief escape from that sadness.
Hello, friends.
It’s me again. I hope you’ve been doing
well. The annual candy-gorging festival known as Halloween has passed, and I
find myself in an introspective mood. In particular, I find myself drawn to the
mystery of the fun sized candy bar.
What is it about the size of the candy bar that makes it
fun? Is it the small size? Are regular candy bars boring, even business-like in
comparison? I imagine handing someone a full sized candy bar at a party and having
the person recoil in disgust. “What are you doing, Tom?” the imagined person
asks. “Leave work at the office. This is time for fun.” Whereupon they skip
away, flinging fun sized candy bars skyward and giggling maniacally.
But, if small is fun, is smaller more fun? Are bite sized
candy bars really the most fun candy bar? If so, why not label them as such? I
feel like you’re underselling the bite sized bars. I suggest, “more-fun size”
or “paroxysm of joy size.” Let that sink in for a minute. The idea of people
popping open a tiny candy bar with the anticipation of being thrown into fits
of joy so powerful that they drop to the floor in joy-induced spasms.
It is my hope, dear candy-mongering friends, that you
find time in your busy schedule to explain the mysteries of fun size to me.
And, if it moves you, to rename “bite size” to “paroxysm of joy” size. 0.5% of
your profits would be adequate compensation for the subsequent sales explosion
you will experience.
With love and confusion,
Tom
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