To be a man

Photo by Austin Ramsey on Unsplash

Some friends and I are reading through a devotional series based on John Eldredge’s Wild at Heart. The book is about, in part, what it means to be a man and how that affects every relationship you have in life. Which makes sense. Who you are affects how you interact with other people. That makes the question, “What does it mean to be a man?” an important question for men. 

So, what does it mean? 

I was going to do this definition/counter argument thing here where I would provide a definition and then point out the problems with that definition. I had a bunch written down, but I deleted it. Too much intellectual naval gazing. Let’s try this a different way. 

When I was in Junior High School, I knew a guy named Mr. Carpenter. He was the husband of my Sunday school teacher. And, fittingly enough, he as a carpenter. To twelve-year-old me, that guy had manhood figured out. He had strong hands from hard, manual work. They were the kind of hands that were rough and strong but controlled. Firm handshake kind of hands. His house was deep in the woods and gave the impression that he skillfully carved it from the Idahoan wilderness. 

But I don’t want you to think that he was an isolated, mountain man who resolutely dominated nature to his manly will. He did not live in isolation at all, but reveled in community. He was a devoted husband and father. Dude was kind. Dude was warm-marshmallow soft when his little daughter smiled at him. He was active in his church. He woke up early every morning to pray for an hour before anyone in his house was awake. 

Mr. Carpenter was clearly masculine. But what factors or combination of factors made him that way? Was it his discipline? His work ethic? His tenderness of heart? All those traits applied just as equally to his wife. Mrs. Carpenter was hard working, disciplined, and loving. But Mrs. Carpenter was as feminine as feminine can be. 

Let’s look at this a different way: How much could we remove from him and still have him be masculine? If he was not a loving father and husband, would he have been as manly? What if he was weak? What if he wasn’t honest? Or kind? Or disciplined? Has a self-isolated, weak, cowardly, lazy man fulfilled his potential as a man? No? But where was the line? 

I don’t know. But not knowing how to define a thing does not mean that thing is not real. Because you know it when you see it. 

Postscript: 

Maybe you’re thinking I’m asking the wrong questions. Maybe masculinity is a social construct. Maybe it’s only real as real as cultural mores can be real. Men’s clothing is certainly arbitrary. Manly colors are arbitrary. But is masculinity really arbitrary? 

I realize there is a great amount of debate on this topic both of the academic and polemic types. I will only add that as a man, having masculine role models resonates with me and makes me want to be a better man. Having positive, masculine role models helps aimless young men grow into positive masculine role models. This positive reinforcement cycle benefits all of us.

Post postscript:

Thanks Mr. and Mrs. Carpenter for spending time with an awkward teenager and teaching me about God. I don't know where you are or what you're doing now, but what you did then matters to me.